i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.