I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
That accounts for only three of the penises
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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