I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
Randomize
