you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize