I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
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