If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
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