yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
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was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
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I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni