she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most