I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Randomize
