She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
