the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Randomize
