She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
