So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
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