my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
Randomize
