we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
