The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
Banned from zoo.
Again?
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
