I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
Randomize
