Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
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