there's paper in my vomit.
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
