Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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