The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Randomize
