one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
Randomize
