you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Randomize
