I am puke
just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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