I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
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