Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
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