Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
Randomize
