I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
Randomize
