On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
Randomize
