I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
