Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
carls jr on main st. japanese tourist taking a dump in the urinal. reading a japanese newspaper and wearing a full suit.
be there in 3 mins
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Randomize
