Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
Randomize
