You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
Randomize
