You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
