I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
