what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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