Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
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