omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
