chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Randomize
