All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
You left your phone here
Wait...
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