How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Randomize
