Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Grow some girl-balls and come out already
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
Randomize
