That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
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