uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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