I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
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There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
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