i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
I am naked and annoyed.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
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