we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
