Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
