I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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