he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy