It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
Randomize
