I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize