I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
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