this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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