Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
Randomize
