i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
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