My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Randomize
