I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
Why can't burritos get me drunk
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
Randomize
