You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
if someoen knew that someone accidentally drunkly kissed your boyfriend would you want them to tell you/?
followup question: what if both somones were me?
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
Randomize
