Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
am i morally bankrupt?
no. its just the recession
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
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Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
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The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
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