If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
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